January 2010
364 posts
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Only
7 more days until my camera comes… >.< OMG I want it SOOO Bad! I’m on the computer cause I’m searching for junk lmao. I think I might want a battery grip, and crumpler makes this cute orange and brown camo neck strap that would match smashingly with my camera bag. I also just bought 8 new albums on iTunes and I am waiting for them to download! >.< I wish Fefe Dobson...
No matter what I say
about anything. Hope still has the best of me. While most times it upsets me that I can be so darn optimistic, other times like right now I cant help but smile. If I am foolish please never let me know. My best reality is in my head, in my dreamworld. <3
December 2009
71 posts
:[
im sick of being sick. my throat is killing me.
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12.30.09 :] :] :]
I sure do feel awesome today! I mean its been kinda raining this morning, and I didn’t want to come to work, but I guess I am alright. I ordered my camera yesterday! :] :D :] Now begins the waiting of 7 to 10 days :/ All I do is dream about it! haha <3 I also decided to go ahead and get a new crumpler bag, so I went for the 7 million dollar home. :D I am still debating if I want to get...
12.29.09 ~ today, I am happy. :]
So today is the big day. For me at least. I am getting paid in approximately 5 hours, and when I do, I am going straight to the bank, and then straight home to purchase my camera!!! Woohoo!!! :] :] :] The only part that blows is that I will still have to wait a week before it ships :[ So no new camera to capture fireworks on New Years I will just have to use my Sony P&S. Lame I know. Anywho, I...
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12.28.09 update
Life has been pretty craptastic. I have spent the last couple of weeks battling with my inner demons. My heart pulls me and pulls me to do something to fix what is broken, in me, in you, in everyone. But then my head reminds me that my heart has done nothing but get me in trouble these past 20 years. Its immature, infantile, all it thinks about is itself, and its feelings, it feeds off wanting and...
I seriously feel as if my heart is going to just explode. I fucking love you. What the hell am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do. I’m dying.
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If this is all a game
a way of trying to hurt me, thinking its how I hurt you, you’ve fucking outdone yourself. I am in pieces. You win. I am completely broken. I am completely done. I am done. done. done.
I don't know
whats keeping me from jumping straight off a bridge right now. I am going to kill myself. I really am. Goodbye world. Don’t wait for that call at 6 I’ll already be gone.
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I just saw the
most beautiful Digital SLR. It is the camera I want. At least I have something to look forward to because I am going to get that camera! :] Time to save, save, save! (hopefully not too much saving) I definitely want to get it before the end of the year, or in January. MUST HAVE BEFORE February. (Cause school starts back then, and I would like to be prepared) So do you invisible readers wanna...
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12.15.09 9:26am
So I’m at work… been here about an hour now, just filling, and reconciling, sending out invoices, running credit cards, spell checking letters, inputing in quickbooks. I will have to do payroll soon. I am glad I get paid today. Read another chapter of A long way down this morning. The book is not as sad as I originally thought it was. I guess you just have to get through that first...
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12.15.09 3:29am
I love you Joseph Anthony Kibler. I love you so much, but I am done fighting for you. I can only do so much, and yes its quite obvious to me that you don’t want to be fought for any longer. My heart is completely shattered. And I don’t blame you, I know I did it to myself, but it still hurts. I will never love another. You are my first, my only, and my last. Forever and always. I will...
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Boys Like Girls ~ Thunder
Today is a winding...
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I just sound really
freaking pathetic. I hate myself for it. UGH WHATEVER. I am not going to feel sorry for myself. On to doing something that is positive! Goodnight people who don’t read my blog, goodnight boy who I am in love with who is perfect in every single way who hates me. I would like a second chance. A second chance would be really great. I will always love you. Thats a fact. Forever and freaking...
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“I dont care! Life is too short to be wondering what if! Sometimes you just gotta...”
– Charlene Yi, Paper Hearts 2009
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I cared about you when you didn’t even care about yourself. But it’s still not enough, I’m getting the feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will never be enough. Ok. I’m done. I still love you though Joe, Forever and always.
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aand! I am going to fold more laundry! yay! And maybe I will watch V for Vendetta as well, and maybe a little bit of reading :] However, I have to get to bed before midnight. It’s a new rule of mine. Even if I lay there with my eyes open for hours, I am keeping on the straight and narrow pass. I wont screw up. And if I am not online, that keeps me from trying to find ways of contacting you,...
7 tags
12.14.09 8:18pm
So I am home. They kinda don’t let you into the theater with cellphones. They wanted to “hold on” to them. Yea… I think not. So my mom and I got some Chinese food which was yum, and we talked about some random things, we walked from Pico all the way to Washington in like record time, and now I am home. I am going to check to see if there are any dishes that need washing,...
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My mom and I are at the landmark to see a screening of a movie, and she asks about you. Where is Joe she says? All I can tell her is that I don’t know, it’s the truth. Where are you? And why aren’t you with me? I know no one has ever died of a broken heart but why does it feel like I will? I love you so freaking much Joe Kibler. I can’t say or mean it enough. Always and...
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12.14.09 3:42pm
Maybe it’s easy for you to drop the person you love and pretend it all never happened but it’s not easy for me because it did happen, and no matter how you try to make it disappear I still love you. I’m still here.
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12.14.09 12:16pm
I am trying not to feel so broken, but I am. I am so broken, and I just want to crawl into a deep dark hole and die. I know that I have to overcome this feeling, but I just do not know how that will be done. I love you. I realize this love will never be returned. I realize that it is all my fault. Will you ever realize that? I doubt it. I messed up, and all the cleaning up and fixing, will...
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12.14.09 7:43am
I am getting ready for work, how fun. Sleep as usual was few and far in between. But its ok, I’m kinda used to it, ”I never slept as well as I did with you”. That applies to me too. I’m sorry I ruined everything. I miss you, and I love you Joe Kibler. Forever and Always. A second chance, would be nice. And not just a second chance for me, but one for you as well. I could...
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12.13.09 11:29pm
I am going to be going to sleep pretty soon. I have to be up at 7:15am for work in the morning. I realize that I have so much time on my hands to be more productive now that I am living just my life. My mom and I are going to see the screening of leap year tomorrow night at the landmark, it starts at 6pm. This weekend I will also be going to Norco for our assembly. I’ve been listening to...
6 tags
12.13.09 8:06pm
I wish you would give me a chance :’[. I freaking love you. I’ve always loved you. Anyways, I am going to wash the dishes, finish up laundry, fold away laundry, tidy up my room a bit, shower for tomorrow then start reading a long way down. I love you Joe Kibler. always and forever. I hope you have a change of heart. I could make you happy, if only you gave me the chance… everyone...
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12.13.09 7:03pm
I just left the landmark theatre. I saw the lovely bones. The movie was very intense and sad. I thought about you a lot because I know it’s the kind of movie you would enjoy. It was 2 1/2 hours long. I went to the kingdom hall this morning. I don’t know if you remember but I told you about my friend Juan and his mom? Well she has been pretty depressed since her mother had died, and I hadn’t seen...
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12.13.09 4:20am
I know I should just leave this all alone. I know I should. But I can’t stop my brain from thinking, and I can’t stop my heart from feeling. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I screwed everything up. I’m sorry i’m not everything you wanted, and not everything you deserve. I’m sorry I ruined everything. I’m sorry I tricked you, I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I put you though hell. I’m sorry I make...
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Is the idea that me, just me, as myself possibly making you happy so disgusting, so horrible, so impossible to you? Do you know what I would do for a second chance? I used to always tell you, everyone deserves a second chance, only because it’s true. Please, give me that chance.
1 tag
12.12.09 10:12pm
My flashlight died so yea no more drawing. :[ sitting here, in the dark has got me thinking a little bit. Why am I doing this? Why am I holding on so tightly to someone who hates me? Who gets sick at the thought of me? Who will never be able to forgive the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life? I know the answer is because I love you, but I ask myself if I really loved you, wouldn’t I let...
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12.12.09 8:12pm
So… I was sitting at my desk drawing a picture, for you, and the lights went out. Then it came back on, went off, came on, then went off. All in less then 2 minutes. So I guess this is a good time to tell you stuff. If you’re wondering how I am on tumblr writing this, I’m on my cell phone. Anyways I am going to try draw again since all I really need is a flashlight. I love you Joe Kibler, always...